This was the year we were going to bring Tammy out for Xmas. I couldn't stop thinking of that. What ifs, and what might have beens. New Year's Eve was particularly difficult. And I very much missed being near enough to friends in California so as not to feel so alone. I haven't really made friends here, and really, most of my friends have been internet born and bred, which doesn't make for close proximity. All in all, 2014 wasn't a great year. You always hope the new year will be better, but who knows?

We buried her last night, with a sapling I bought on Friday as her marker. It's called a London Plane Tree and it's supposed to be a fast growing shade tree. If it makes it, and grows, I'll always have a visible memory of my Sparrow cat.

I feel bad that her last days were spent at the vet, and all those tests, and $500 later, there was nothing to be done. She died only a few hours after the final visit, Nin coming home with meds and special foods and fluids that we never had a chance to use. If I'd known, I would have let her spend her last days in peace at home.

I have layers of grief that just overlap each other. When I took Sparrow out of the carrier she loved as a bed, and laid her on a fleecy blanket she liked, I just laid next to her on the floor and cried. It all got mixed up with my grief in losing Tammy. Burying her last night, was also twined up with Tammy, the lack of closure, the unexpectedness of her death. I like to think Sparrow took my love to Tammy in heaven and that Tammy has her in her lap with all of her kitties.

Thank you, everyone who has left a comment, signed the guestbook, made a donation. It's meant so much to me to know Tammy was loved by so many. Maybe one day, I'll be able to write about her, share some of my memories of her, but right now, it just hurts too much. All I do is cry, and I can't really accept yet that she's gone. Tammy was like a sister to me, my mum considered her a third daughter, Tammy called her 'mum'. All of my family were eagerly making plans for her to join us here. I've contacted as many people as I could think of to let them know what happened, I've even written actual paper letters, I've sent photos of Tam for the PWFC con memorial a few weeks from now. Now that all of it is done, all that's left is to miss her.

Never did I imagine that I would ever have to write this, but my dear friend, Tammy aka Evil T/otterevil, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly April 22. I am heartsick at her loss and can't imagine my world without her. I don't know if I can type this out without falling apart again.

She had been in hospital due to a broken bone, and she couldn't get on living by herself so had been checked into hospital. I was in contact with her up to April 18th, when she told me she was being transferred to a rehabilitation facility the next Monday. I tried contacting her several times after and received no response. I was concerned, but didn't want to leap to conclusions, and I knew she'd been having financial difficulties, so thought maybe her cell had been shut off. I contacted Arduinna hoping she had heard from Tammy. On Friday, Arduinna emailed me with the horrible news: she'd found Tammy's obituary. The guestbook attached to the obituary had expired, so I renewed it for the year to see if I could discover any information on what had happened. One lady from her knitting circle had left a contact link, and I emailed her in hopes of learning something. She said that even locally, there was no posting of a funeral home, memorial, nothing. No closure.

Tammy's obituary is here, along with the guestbook. It would mean a great deal to me if those of you knew her would sign it. My hope is her young niece may come across it at some point and know her aunt was loved and a cherished friend.

Since nothing was done in memory of her, I'm collecting money to make an In Memoriam donation to Best Friends in her name. Tammy loved her kitties so much, and I know she'd like to help other cats in need in her name. If you make a donation, please let me know what name you'd like included on the Memorial Wall. And thank you.

It has been eighteen years since I met TamTam on FORKNI, 18 years of happy times and tragedies. From trips we took together, and fic we cowrote, to the death of her parents a year apart and her fight with cancer. Life had been a struggle these last several years, but it seemed things were turning around. Tammy had decided to sell up and move here to Utah to be closer to people who could look out for her and help her get her health back. I'd sent her area info and rental info, not knowing she was already gone. We were going to be little old lady spinsters, living in side by side cabins, with a cute gardener to watch from the porch together. But none of that will ever be. I hope she's at peace now, reunited with her parents, her struggles over.

I will miss you, dearest friend, more than you will ever know. I love you, TamTam. God keep your soul in his embrace.


Me and Tammy, 1997, Syndicon East PWFC Breakfast

ETA: Please see the comments for more on Tammy's final days. Thank you, Deb, for sharing this with us.